Rejection sensitivity - rejecting an unwanted lover safely

Rejecting an unwanted lover unceremoniously can be dangerous. Rejection sensitivity and aggression by the scorned male can have disastrous consequences. Last week a college girl was attacked with a sickle for doing so. The demographic profile of students at our clinic is probably a representation of the Pune student population. Many students feel socially and culturally alienated while having to cope on their own with minimal family support. Some have no one to express their feelings or thoughts to. A smile or other facial expressions from a classmate or a single phrase while watching a game are viewed as tokens of intimacy. Subsequent fantasising invests these facial expressions and interactions with an excessive significance. That the girl does not initiate or acknowledge further interaction is rationalised as shyness and considered a virtue, further embedding the myth of intimacy.

The concept of gender equality may be alien in the culture of the student. It comes as a great shock to the lover, when he gathers up his courage to proclaim his love only to find it discarded unceremoniously. His reaction will depend on his attachment style - the behavioural response to separation developed in childhood. Mostly he will withdraw further into his shell, but in some cases, especially when he is high on the personality characteristic of rejection sensitivity and has a fearful attachment style, he will harbour and act out thoughts of revenge.These vengeful thoughts smoulder unrecognised until they burst forth in as dramatic and unexpected action as the initial profession of love.

Rejecting an unwanted lover

Rejection sensitivity is always a concern when rejecting an unwanted lover. The independent modern woman needs to learn how to handle this situation without involving family or other third parties. Rejecting an unwanted lover can be considered as a form of breaking bad news. For this there is no better technique than the SPIKES 6-step protocol which is used to break bad news in medicine.

Setting

Make sure there is privacy. No matter how startled you are by his profession of love, do not blurt out a summary dismissal in front of everyone. Stay in a public place, but take him to one side.

Perception

Ask him to clarify what he has just said, and what lead him to say that. This  will help you to place him, if you haven't already done so.

Invitation

Ask whether you can tell him your point of view on the subject

giving Knowledge

Warning before giving the bad news helps the person process the information imparted without  getting angry or feeling isolated. Start by saying "I am sorry to say that I don't feel that way". Don't be rude or excessively blunt  Responses such as "who do you think you are?",  "why should I have feelings for you?" or laughing contemptuously are bound to turn love into the other end of the stick - hate, especially if he is high on rejection sensitivity. Check his reactions and modify  what you are saying so he can understand.

Empathise

Identify his emotion - sadness, anger, hurt. Closely monitor his facial expressions. Acknowledge it. "I can see that you are feeling hurt. Anyone in your position might feel like that".

Strategy

Discussing what comes next. Start from his Perception of the relationship to help vent his emotions. Deal with these Empathically, again the facial expressions are important. The goal should be to politely but firmly communicate "I don't feel that way" so "we cant take this any further, don't take this personally".

The aim is to stay polite while rejecting an unwanted lover without humiliating him. It should not take more than 5-10 minutes of time spent reading facial expressions and showing concern while firmly putting forward your own lack of 'spark' in the relationship.

Reference

1. Baile WF, Buckman R, Lenzi R, Glober G, Beale EA, Kudelka AP. SPIKES-A six-step protocol for delivering bad news: application to the patient with cancer. Oncologist. 2000;5(4):302-11.

Relationship conflict and strain in youth

Some relationships are characterised by conflict and strain and this can be detrimental to mental health in youth. Romantic relationships are important for mental health during the transition from adolescence to adulthood. Satisfaction in the relationship is strongly related to regard and empathy with the partner (Cramer 2003). Intimacy increases positive feelings in the relationship. The perceived quality of a relationship depends more on the presence of intimacy than on absence of conflict (Laurenceau 2005).

We have already noted the various the reactions to breakup of relationships. We now take a look at some psychological aspects of conflict and strain in ongoing relationships of young persons.

Gender aspects of ongoing relationships

For a young woman an ongoing and current relationship is associated with feelings of psychological well-being. For her just being in a romantic relationship provides a social identity and increases feelings of self- worth. This need to be in a relationship increases especially when there is gender inequality in the family. After a recent breakup; the altered social identity and reduction of self-worth make her prone to clinical depression.

For young men the quality of the ongoing relationship is more important. Men’s identity and feelings of self-worth are greatly affected by the support or strain they experience from their partner. This is because their romantic partner is their primary source of intimacy. In contrast young women have intimate relationships with family and friends. (Simon & Barrett, 2010). Men benefit more than women from support gained through a relationship; they are also more disturbed than women by strain in an ongoing relationship. When in a strained relationship men are likely to develop substance abuse problems.

Conflict in relationships

The quality of conflict negotiation between the partners in a relationship evolves over time. Initially the romantic bond overshadows the ability to acknowledge and deal with differences. The partners downplay their disagreements and fail to negotiate their differences. Later on, in stable relationships there is an increasing capability to recognize and face disagreements and to negotiate them in a better manner (Shulman 2008).

Personal characteristics and attachment style also play a role. Self-directed and autonomous people are generally less defensive and more understanding in their response to conflict (Knee 2005). Insecure, anxious individuals experience more conflict with their dating partners. Their conflicts tend to escalate in severity. These individuals require daily support to experience satisfaction with the relationship. As perceptions of satisfaction and intimacy change, commitment to the relationship is eroded over time (Campbell 2005). Family background of the partner is also important. The individual's style of handling conflict is learned through interactions with the mother and with siblings. This persists into the romantic relationship (Reese-Weber 2005).

Predictors of break-up

• Breakup of the romance is imminent when the pattern of interaction between partners is characterised by criticism, unrealistic expectations, or withdrawal.
• The best single predictor of impending breakup is contempt. This is especially so when the female partner displays contempt (Gottman 1994).
• Substance abuse problems in any of the partners increases conflict and hostility in the relationship (Floorsheim 2008).
• Adolescents with personality disorders are more likely to have conflict in their relationships (Chen 2004).

References

1. Campbell L, Simpson JA, Boldry J, Kashy DA. Perceptions of conflict and support in romantic relationships: the role of attachment anxiety. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2005 Mar;88(3):510-31.
2. Chen H, Cohen P, Johnson JG, Kasen S, Sneed JR, Crawford TN. Adolescent personality disorders and conflict with romantic partners during the transition to adulthood. J Pers Disord. 2004 Dec;18(6):507-25.
3. Cramer D. Facilitativeness, conflict, demand for approval, self-esteem, and satisfaction with romantic relationships. J Psychol. 2003 Jan;137(1):85-98.
4. Florsheim P, Moore DR. Observing differences between healthy and unhealthy adolescent romantic relationships: substance abuse and interpersonal process. J Adolesc. 2008 Dec;31(6):795-814. Epub 2007 Nov 26.
5. Gottman JM: What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Erlbaum, Hillsdale, NJ, 1994.
6. Knee CR, Lonsbary C, Canevello A, Patrick H. Self-determination and conflict in romantic relationships. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2005 Dec;89(6):997-1009.
7. Laurenceau JP, Troy AB, Carver CS. Two distinct emotional experiences in romantic relationships: effects of perceptions regarding approach of intimacy and avoidance of conflict. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2005 Aug;31(8):1123-33.
8. Reese-Weber M, Kahn JH. Familial predictors of sibling and romantic-partner conflict resolution: comparing late adolescents from intact and divorced families. J Adolesc. 2005 Aug;28(4):479-93.
9. Shulman S, Mayes LC, Cohen TH, Swain JE, Leckman JF. Romantic attraction and conflict negotiation among late adolescent and early adult romantic couples. J Adolesc. 2008 Dec;31(6):729-45. Epub 2008 Oct 4.
10. Robin W. Simon and Anne E. Barrett. Nonmarital Romantic Relationships and Mental Health in Early Adulthood: Does the Association Differ for Women and Men? Journal of Health and Social Behavior 2010:51(2) 168–182 DOI: 10.1177/0022146510372343